Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
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Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Need this in my life lol
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning