“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
i baked you a cake
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend