Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.