10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
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There is wisdom there.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine