[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Golf would be better with landmines.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.