[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
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Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made