me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
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My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house