This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Cat.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Rather alarming headline…
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?