My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
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“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details