No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
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[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
War & Peace
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
⛄️
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Best mom ever 😂