When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
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*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Challenge accepted.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.