[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
You Might Also Like
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us