I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I’m being attacked 😭
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Running from your problems is cardio .
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”