Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
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There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
dads on road-trips be like
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me