Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.