The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
You Might Also Like
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily