I know a horrible idea when I see it.
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“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
“i miss shittin on people”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog