Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
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Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.