I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
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Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
What my back needs
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’