Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
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16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Breaking news:
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons