Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves