Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Close call…
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.