Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
You Might Also Like
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die