Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”