Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
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I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Do not go gentle into that good night,
When libraries troll their patrons.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
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I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.