*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
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I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
wtf is a larm clock?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.