The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
how to exercise your calf muscles
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.