Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
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If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…