My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks