My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
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Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.