i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
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They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Need WebMD
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.