Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
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When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
LOL
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.