Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
and this one
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy