“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Bruh PLEASE
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st