Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Always a metermaid never a meter
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Intelligence is the new cleavage