“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
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me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Wikigenius
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them