MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
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Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I cannot stop laughing at this
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.