[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I can fix him.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing