Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
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Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions