This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
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My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Ugh but profoundly
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.