Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.