Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
You Might Also Like
Hot Hot Hot
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Yup.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.