*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
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the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
plant them where lol
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
My Indian name is dances without coordination.