There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.