ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I would give up shouting at trees for you.