Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
just got my engagement photos
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]