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Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”