I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.