I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.