Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property